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Sunday, January 11, 2015

To Settle Or Not To Settle


Why settle? Why should anyone have too? I get asked all the time if I'm dating anyone. Does a girl ALWAYS have to be with prince charming or something? I must've missed that memo growing up, but I am wise enough to know that not everyone can be my prince charming. I may not know exactly what I want, but I have an idea, and I have the patience to wait for it. I see too many people settle for relationships that aren't really worth it. Would you truly be happy if you've done so? I think many people settle out of "fear". Fear of many things: ending up alone, not having a family, not being able to find someone better. Simply scared to see what else is out there and even scared to try.

I get it, I've been there. I was content and settled, but never had the simple satisfaction of being truly happy. I'm lucky I broke out of it though, I couldn't live a settled life. I however can say I was never the type that "needed" to be with someone. (Thanks to my little inner me for being independent.) I haven't had many boyfriends either just 'cause I rather be alone, if it's not what I want. Over time I've realized, you really don't need to be with someone in order to be happy. The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself, and you're in charge of your own happiness... Your happiness doesn't depend on someone else. Why should it? 

That's why I stopped being afraid. I know my worth and you should too. Sometimes the fears you have cloud your judgement, so do you really want to live the rest of your life out of fear? It's all about knowing yourself and deciding what you want. If you love yourself as well as respect yourself, than decisions will come naturally and you should never have to compromise. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Not A New You, But A New Year


All fresh for a new beginning, a fresh start. A new year. At first I didn't buy the whole concept, but this year I do. It's not even a belief, more of just a feeling that I have. I guess I can best describe it as a sense of bliss? 2014 was an amazing year, and I just have a feeling 2015 will be better. My outlook and perspective on life has completely changed; and because of that, the dynamics have changed. I'm still the same person, just more content and happy with who I am and where my life is. This has honestly been the happiest I've been in awhile. A rang in the new year surrounded with so much love and positivity, I hope you had the same. A new beginning feels like a good cleanse. The dust has settled, and you wipe it away clean. Even though your past is still there and your life is the same; it's still a new chapter.

2014 has been a year of realization for me. Many new experiences, many first, many life lessons learned and wonderful memories. The list is endless... Now what's next? I'm not sure what my future holds, but I'm excited on where my life is going. I mean we all have dreams right? That's what keeps us inspired and driven to do more. I guess new years resolutions can be cliché sometimes, but what if you really did stick through it the whole entire year?! Too me you're just setting yourself a goal and commit to it; you will succeed and feel a sense of accomplishment. So why not dream big? Try your best, do your best, so you can be the best person you can be. That's all I want, to be better and do more of what I love. (This calls for another little endless list of mine...) So what are your resolutions this year? Write it down and keep it somewhere to remind yourself everyday of it. As simple as they may be, or as many as you have, just go for it. It's your own personal ideas and it's your life, so live it as you wish. 

So cheers to a new year, but that same you. Well actually, not the same, make that a better 'you'.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas Time is Here

Home Sweet Home, Ohio. Christmas.

Hear those silver bells? It didn't truly feel like Christmas until I landed in Ohio and walked off the plane; where it all started, my home, my childhood, the many Christmas' spent here with my family. When people wish you Merry Christmas, they also ask, "Did you get everything you want this year?". My response this year was, "Yes! The only thing I wanted was to be with my family." As simple as that sounds, it was my only wish 'tis season. I have everything I need in life, and everything I want (you know the little things in life that money can't buy). I'm extremely grateful I made it home, because I know many can't be with their families due to certain circumstances and that honestly just breaks my heart. Everyone deserves to be with loved ones, and "home" for the holidays.

The moments I share with my family I cherish deeply because we all live so far apart, actually being together, is few and far between. The holidays spent together, is something that can never be replaced and never forgotten. Christmas Eve mass with the choir singing Christmas songs, watching movies and playing video games down in the "man cave", everyone in the kitchen cooking dinner, reading "A Christmas Story" while baking cookies for Santa, sitting around the fireplace opening presents that were sitting under the tree, Christmas music playing throughout the whole house, waiting until midnight on Christmas Eve to put baby Jesus in the Manger outside. 

Christmas time is a joyous celebration with love all around. It's always been my favorite time of the year, and so important to me because of my family and my friends (which I'm lucky enough to consider them family too). What I value and cherish most this year are the people in my life. Loved ones that make me feel like the luckiest girl alive. All those warm, fuzzy feels came rushing back like I was a little kid again. 

...Something about the holidays are just magical. I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas too. <3

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Self-Reflection

Pacific Beach, San Diego. Sunset.

It's been 10 months since I last posted and boy has it been a crazy few months. It's no secret that I've been going through a lot in my personal life (a lot of ups and downs), and that's why there's been a slight hiatus with my blog. I'm glad to say that Thao Diaries is back. And this really, really long post (I hope) will explain my absence. Just like how you are not the same person as you are yesterday, I am not the same person I was a year ago. I changed and evolved, for the better, for 'me' (not for anyone else). 

The past few years, I've lost myself due to past relationships and my surroundings. I let people control what I did and influence me to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. Most importantly, I didn't like the person I was becoming. I sacrificed my own identity for someone else. I didn't know how to be happy myself, because I just wanted to make 'him' happy. I'm not sure why I stayed in a relationship for so long, knowing it wasn't healthy and knowing that I deserved more. I guess when you love someone so much, it consumes you to the point where you lose sight of things in life and yourself. He was a good man, but he made mistakes (like we all do). Even after he cheated, I tried my hardest to make it work because at the time I wasn't ready to walk away. After the second chance, I knew no more chances. For awhile I regretted even giving him another chance, but I'm glad I did; because I could walk away from the relationship knowing that I've tried my best. I think the pain and hurt fuels you to become a stronger person. So when things unravelled as they did, I was ready to walk away. I'm happy I finally let go because what I've been fighting for, wasn't worth it anymore. The person I fell in love with, I couldn't see at all. I didn't know who or where he was. Sometimes when the trust is broken it's hard to come back from that and trying to build a foundation with no solid ground is nearly impossible.

I believe our relationship had ended, even before it "officially" ended, simply because we grew apart. When we started dating I was 21 years old; well I'm not that 21 year old girl anymore. I was a free spirit, who wasn't so "free" anymore and that didn't sit well with me. That's when I knew I had to move on and start fresh. I started finally "living" instead of "existing" when I stopped worrying and caring about what other people thought. It was time I started putting myself and my happiness first. Since then I've learned how to live and breathe on my own. It wasn't easy at first and it was definitely an adjustment after sharing a life with someone; but I've pretty much been standing on my own two feet and been dancing the night away ever since.

Now I'm at the point where I just want to experience life: the highs, the lows, the beautiful and the ugly. My quarter-life crisis was near and I knew it was fast approaching because I felt my life changing. I realized I was too old to act so childish and immature; I had to grow up and make smart decisions for myself. I mean don't get me wrong, I know your 20's are full of mistakes and I'm sure I'll continue to make them; but I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and became a better person, it just becomes a part of your past. I've learned instead of focusing so much on the past, it's important to focus on the present and work towards the future. 

I know you can't get your early 20's back, but I sure do feel like I have a fresh start with life. Over the summer, after catching what my doctors call a 'freak infection', staying in ICU for several days, being stuck in the hospital for over a week, on disability from work for a month, and wearing an IV on my arm for 4 weeks; I'm just happy and grateful to be healthy again! The reason I became sick was no one's fault, no real reason or explanation and definitely not something a 24 year old should be going through. For some odd reason, I thought I was being punished, like I did something wrong and this was karma getting back at me. My doctors just told me, "Thao, you've just had bad luck. We get one patient a year with this, and that patient just happens to be you this year." I understand now that, "no" it was nothing I've done and I was not being punished; this was just a wakeup call for me. Since my sickness, I've made it a priority to explore what life has to offer; this is why I have experienced more in the past few months, than I have in the past several years. I had time to think about my life in a different perspective, where it was, where it's going, what makes me happy. I overcame things, I once thought I never could. I broke out of my shell and I'm so glad that I did.

As I grow older, I'm learning about the important things in life. Mainly, balance and direction. Learning it's okay to be selfish sometimes, and really just building a relationship with myself; because the most important relationship you should build, is love for yourself. So I've made it a priority to figure out what makes me truly happy. Being comfortable in my own skin, not letting others influence my life like they once have before. This past year has been a roller-coaster, and also a blessing. I've had many, many first this year; and for that I'm extremely grateful. I have the freedom now to dream, explore, and make decisions on my own. I'm at a really good place in my life right now and I want to continue to grow as an individual, experience life, travel more, and create memories with my friends and family. I grew up and this is who I am now. There's more to me than the girly little things. Life has more depth and this is my exploration. Cheers to new beginnings. Enjoy.
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